


Fly on a Wall

by eleanorfromouterspace



Category: Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Anxiety, Depression, Eating Disorders, Everyone Needs A Hug, Fluff and Angst, Gen, Hurt Loki, I hate doing tags, Infinity War, IronStrange, Irondad, Loki (Marvel) Needs a Hug, Loki Gets a Hug, Loki self harm, Mental Illness, More characters to be added, Multi, Mutants, Other, Peter meets Thor, Post-Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie), Protective Thor (Marvel), Self Harm, Tony Stark Has A Heart, Tony Stark has Anxiety, Tony Stark has PTSD, dr. Strange needs a hug, loki and spiderboy, loki lives, sorry oof
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-13
Updated: 2018-09-10
Packaged: 2019-06-26 15:29:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 6
Words: 11,352
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15666033
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eleanorfromouterspace/pseuds/eleanorfromouterspace
Summary: “Brother, please. You’re unwell.”Loki glared up at his older brother, who spoke with a certain anguish in his voice as he stood over him. How Thor even found him, Loki did not know. He did know, however, that he wanted to be left alone. That after everything, he didn’t deserve any better.__________After the events of Infinity War, and after The Avengers take down Thanos once and for all, Loki is found and brought back to Stark Towers. Living in proximity with the now retired Avengers, as well as the new ones being trained, Loki finds himself learning not only about the team, but more about himself than he ever thought possible.





	1. Found

**Author's Note:**

> Hello!!:-)  
> Thank you so much for checking out my fic- it’s actually my first one ever, so I hope it ends up okay. Just to preface- it’s a bit slow burn, so some characters won’t show up until a couple chapters in. (I’ll try and upload very often tho, as I’m super excited about writing this).  
> Anyways, I hope you enjoy the first chapter!  
> Also, apologies for the short first chapter. I just wanted to quick introduce the story. Future chapters will be longer.  
> Thanks again:-)  
> -Ella

“Brother, please. You’re unwell.”

Loki glared up at his older brother, who spoke with a certain anguish in his voice as he stood over him. How Thor even found him, Loki did not know. He did know, however, that he wanted to be left alone. That after everything, he didn’t deserve any better. 

“I’m fine,” he spat, taking a wobbly stand from the couch he has been sitting on. “I don’t need you to come rescue me, you know.” 

The frost giant made his way toward the kitchen, his mind on a drink to ease his stress, focusing hard on standing up straight. He continued to speak as he turned away from his brother. 

“I am not a damsel in distress, Thor,” he nearly growled. 

“Loki, please,” Thor pleaded, following him into the kitchen. “Come with me. It would be helping me as much as it would be you, and, besides...” He trailed off for a moment before continuing. “We both know you are in no state to be alone.”

Alone. 

Loki tested the word on his tongue while turned away from Thor. Deep down, he knew his brother was right- after Thanos, after the snap, after everything- Loki shut down. He knew that the universe saw him as cowardly for faking his death yet again at the hands on the purple beast, and so, he went into hiding on Contraxia. Word of the monster’s death, as put into motion by the ‘Mighty’ Avengers, spread like wildfire once it finally happened. But that had been months ago. And Loki had kept himself holed up on the icy planet for fear of what was to become of him once he left. He had to no where else to go.

Thor continued, pulling Loki out of his thoughts of the past. Admittedly, he was glad someone was there to stop him from spiraling. 

“Have you been eating? Sleeping? It is obvious you’re sick, Loki, let me help you pl-“

Finally, the younger god turned to face his brother.

“Where do you plan on taking me!?” He asked, glaring. He opened a cabinet and grabbed a glass bottle full of a brown liquor. As he poured, (to Thor’s obvious distain), Loki realized a part of him wanted to go with Thor. A part of him wanted to be safe and happy, but- he knew he didn’t deserve it. He knew that no one really wanted him. 

“Earth,” Thor answered, eyeing the drink in his brother’s hand. “There is an island where the remaining Asgardians have been relocated.”

Suddenly, there was a sliver of hope in Loki’s eyes. 

“I can stay there... With them?” He set down the glass.

Thor faltered. “Well- No. Not at first. You’ll need to stay with some friends, first... As, compensation for New York, and-“

“Ha.” The god picked the cup back up, taking a swig. “As prisoner?”

“Not entirely brother, and afterwards you can help me build a new Asgar-“

“Shut up,” Loki said, thinking. He didn’t want his brother, or anybody else, to see him as weak. But, for reasons he wasn’t able to get into yet, he couldn’t stay here. 

Alone. 

“I’ll go with you,” he finished quietly and, somewhat, defeated. Thor grinned in response, although it was in a more melancholic manner than a joyful one. 

“Thank you, brother,” he started. “Have you any belongings you wish to bring?” 

Loki looked around the small apartment he had been squandering in the past few months. Besides the clothes he wore on his back, he had nothing. Holding on to whatever dignity he had left, the young god shook his head. 

Thor nodded. “I have a friend who will take us to midguard right away!” He seemed happier now, caught up in the excitement of introducing Loki to his new companion. “Strange!” He suddenly yelled into his earpiece. “We’re ready!” 

And with that, Loki felt himself sucked downward in an all too familiar fashion, his glass shattering on the floor as he fell. This time, however, the blackness around him lasted but just a moment before he found himself surrounded by the cool architecture and colors the god could only assume to be that of Stark Tower.


	2. Old Friends Meet Again

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Loki, having being transported by Strange into his room in Stark Towers, is brought to an evaluation to monitor his well being. Things don’t go as planned, and Bruce Banner has to interfere to help the god out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys!  
> So, this chapter is a lotttt longer. Please let me know if you think I’m drawing things out/putting too much into the small details. It’s so cool that people are reading this at all!  
> Thanks, and I hope you enjoy this edition.:-)  
> -Ella 
> 
> (PS- I messed up the tags last time and made everything romantic. My b).

It had been a few hours since Loki landed in the small room- cell, he reminded himself- in the billionaires illustrious castle. He had fallen beside a small note, which read:

I am still working with the Avengers on your situation. I trust you know why you have to stay here for the time being. 

I will be back for you within the day.  
I love you, brother. 

-Thor

Initially, Loki had rolled his eyes at the sentiment. Now, hours later, he found himself glancing back to it every now and again, re-reading the last section. He reminded himself it was false. That Thor was not his brother. That he had betrayed him too many times to warrant any care. 

The room he was put in was, at least, nicer than his previous one from his last time on Earth. And his old apartment on Contraxia. It housed a bed, a small table, and a door that Loki now knew led to a small bathroom. To the god’s distaste and bewilderment, one of the walls was lined with mirrors. When Loki had awoke a few hours ago, he had been forced to stare at himself in complete and utter disgust. 

The god didn’t look it anymore- his skin, paler than usual, glinted a near blue, and his eyes a warm brown. He knew that meant they’d be red soon if he didn’t take care of himself, if he didn’t work to strengthen his magic. Loki nearly shook when he stood up- surely a result of his eating and sleeping habits of his time on Contraxia. And seeing himself now- his dark under eyes, his groggy complexion, his tattered clothing- Loki realized that he really was nothing but a weak, cowardly god. Hardly even that. 

But that had all been realized before. Loki now sat on the small bed provided for him, Thor’s note clutched in his left hand. It took him by surprise when a section of the mirrored wall suddenly evaporated into itself, and through it stepped a man. Loki then realized he hadn’t found a door in the room until now. 

“Loki,” spoke the man who entered, his voice stern and direct. Loki was sure he had seen him before, but, in his current state, he couldn’t think hard enough to recall when. “I’m glad you agreed to come here,” the man continued. “My name is Doctor Stephen Strange... I believe we’ve met before?”

“Yes, Doctor,” the god spoke, holding a certain dominance in his voice, grasping onto any assertion he had left. Loki remembered now- he had transported him once before, in New York. The day Odin died. “It’s uh- Its a pleasure to see you again.” He grinned, ducking his head.

“Yes,” Strange replied, dismissing the comment to get back to his agenda. “I realize you’re not necessarily ecstatic to be here.” He paused, as if practicing his next words before saying them. “But we realize, now, that the attacks on New York occurred under circumstances the avengers didn’t account for at the time. We know more, now, about... What happened.”

He said the last part with a hard grimace. 

“Thanos?” Loki inquired, the name sour on his tongue. He hoped that this doctor didn’t know everything. 

Strange only nodded in reply. 

“Anyways, you’ll still be staying here for some time.” He cleared his throat and straightened himself as he began again. “Thor had something to attend to on that new island of his, but he’ll be back tonight, I’m sure. Same with your other friends.”

Loki had almost been able to complete push the Revengers out of his mind since the attack on the ship. Almost. 

“Besides Bruce, obviously,” Strange continued. “But, as I was saying, as long as you’re here, we need to keep you in check. You’ll have to have an evaluation in fifteen... Right down the hall.”

Loki cringed. He didn’t need any doctors or phycologists. He needed to be left alone. 

“Fine,” he replied quickly. 

“And a shower wouldn’t hurt. Through that door-“ Strange pointed to the bathroom door. “And I’ll have someone bring you some new clothes.”

The man left as soon as he had came, and the mirror formed again behind him. As soon as it did, Loki stood, crumpling Thor’s note in his hand. Why did they still have him captive if they knew about New York? About Thanos? Something lied beyond what that man had said, Loki could feel it. And more than that, he saw something troubling behind the doctor’s still and certain composure. Something he wasn’t sure he trusted yet. 

Not like he trusts you, anyways, the god reminded himself.

Following his captor’s orders, Loki took a short shower in the small bathroom he had been granted. Wanting to look at least somewhat presentable, he used some magic to dry his hair right away, (although, without a straightener, and being too tired to do any more, it stayed a curly mess), and rid his skin of any blue. Loki found himself surprised that the doctor hadn’t mentioned his appearance- beyond, of course, his clothing. He hoped it was simply because he hadn’t noticed. 

When he left the bathroom, he noticed someone had placed a pile of clothing on the edge of his bed- he dressed quickly and, to his surprise, the mirror allowed him to pass right through. No locks. He wondered if he could have left the entire time. 

And so, dressed in a checkered shirt tucked into a pair of black slacks, the god made his way down the grand hallway, which housed many other doors to rooms he didn’t care to explore. Carefully, he made his way into his- he cringed just thinking about- therapist’s office. 

Inside sat a young woman Loki didn’t know, and, beside her, Dr. Banner.

“Bruce,” Loki commented softly, nodding his head. The doctor smiled in reply. 

“It’s been a while.” 

“Ah, not too long.” The god paused, taking a seat on the couch ahead of the two people. “And you’re here... Why?”

“Emotional support,” he shrugged. Loki forced a wired smile. 

The woman wasted no time.

“My name is Dr. Leah Broxton, but, you may call me Leah.” She began, sporting that fake sort of smile doctors always did. “We’ll be doing 50 minute sessions here, okay? Just to check in and make sure everything’s in working order up there.” She laughed. Loki did not. 

“I assure you, I am completely alright. This seems a bit... Silly. If you ask me,” Loki replied, fumbling with his hands in his lap- an old habit he had picked up from Friga. 

“Even perfectly healthy people go to therapy, Loki!” Bruce interjected. The god only rolled his eyes. 

“Let’s get this over with, then.”

Leah smiled, and began asking Loki what he considered meaningless questions about his life and his brother and his... Family. Both her and Bruce jotted down notes, and the god answered as honestly as he could without giving up too much. As much as he hated doing it, he wanted to comply. If not for him, then for Thor. He didn’t want to let him down yet again. To Loki’s surprise, and, admittedly, relief, the woman avoided asking anything about Thanos. Really, she didn’t ask much about the past at all. 

Until, that is, Leah began her questions about Loki’s time on Contraxia. Not wanting to think about, he felt himself shutting down. Completely. 

“Did you face any problems while on the planet? If yes...” Leah paused, scribbling something on her notepad, “Were they caused, to your knowledge, by the conditions there? Or something else?”

Loki clenched his jaw, only staring ahead. Past Leah, past Bruce, into nothingness. He wouldn’t answer. 

“Loki?” Bruce asked quietly. “I know it’s hard, but, we’ve been given strict orders to-“

“Shut up!” Loki snapped, focusing now. “It’s not hard, it’s not... I just- I...” He couldn’t. But he wouldn’t say that, of course. 

Bruce only sighed. “It’s okay, I get it. It’s not always easy,” he said, turning to Leah. “It’s only the first session, maybe we could-“

Leah shook her head, cutting him off. “Loki, you either tell us this information or we will get it from you. I don’t want to have to do that.”

The god scoffed. Get it from him? They had to means to do so. Still, he felt his left hand beginning to tremor, ever so slightly. He stiffened. He wouldn’t talk.

Leah set her clipboard down, sighed, and said something into an earpiece she had on. Moments later, another unfamiliar face stepped in the room. 

“Hello, Leah,” the young girl, who sported a red leather jacket and tight black pants, said as she came in. “Bruce.” She ignored the god to her right completely. “Am I doing it?”

“Doing what?” Loki spat, standing up suddenly. As he did, black clouded his vision and he nearly stumbled. 

Bruce stood as well. “This is cruel. He hasn’t even been here a day, he can’t be expected to-“

“Shut up, do what?” Loki inquired again. 

“I apologize,” Leah replied, and the last thing Loki saw before everything went black was the girl flexing her hands in his direction.

— — — 

When Loki opened his eyes, it seemed as if only moments had passed. He found himself back on Contraxia, back in his scummy apartment, back in the cold that never bothered him because of his frost giant genes. At first, he thought he had dreamt everything. Dreamt Dr. Strange, dreamt Thor coming for him. It soon became apparent that wasn’t the case. 

He couldn’t control any of his movements. In an almost dream-like state, he wandered around the apartment, watching his hands as if playing a first person video game. The god watched helplessly as he poured himself a drink- and another- and another. Time seemed to be warped in whatever reality he had been placed in, his being living out through memories sprawled throughout his brain. When Loki was younger, his photographic memory had been something he was prideful in. Now... Now, it was more of a curse than anything else. 

As he watched himself drink and not eat and not sleep, as he recalled all the times he had tormented himself while on that stupid icey planet, Loki was able to deduce what was happening to him. They were searching through his memories- why, he didn’t know yet. But it was tortuous. The god felt himself trembling in his physical form, felt himself spiraling out of control. It took everything he had not to access certain memories. Still, it was hard. 

Breathe, he told himself. 

Breathe, 

breathe, 

breathe.

It was too much. It was all too much. Without really realizing what was happening, Loki felt himself screaming out in agony.

Finally, it stopped. Loki fell to his knees, gasping for air, and opened his eyes to the room he had always been in. He didn’t dare look up, instead, the god kept his gaze at his knees, which lay crumpled on the plush carpet.

“Should I get him?” Leah’s voice sounded from above Loki as he coughed on the ground. 

“I have nothing to say. This is cruel.” Bruce spat back. 

Loki felt a sudden hand on his shoulder- he flinched, breathing hard. 

“Loki, hey, it’s me. It’s Bruce.” 

The god allowed himself to go limp, and Dr. Banner slowly propped him up in a sitting position. The footsteps of the others told Loki that it was just him and Bruce now.

It felt as if the room was spinning. Felt as if Loki was dying- it was a feeling he was, unfortunately, familiar with. But for the first time, he felt someone pulling him close to them, felt someone’s arms around him, felt someone’s warm breath on his neck. 

“You’re okay, hey, you’re okay.”

Loki pulled his eyes opened. Bruce had wrapped himself around the god, and was doing his best to calm him down. 

“Deep breaths, deep breaths.”

Loki complied. He was too shaken up to think about anything else. 

“I’m sorry. Deep breaths.”

The two sat like that for a moment. Loki, as he was really coming to, felt something deeper in Bruce’s kindness. A certain- familiarity. This was a man who had been through this before. Perhaps, Loki thought, as someone on the other side of the embrace. He found it interesting... The fact that he was absolutely terrified of this man’s other part, of that green beast. But now, he realized he had faults as well. That he was gentle, and kind. 

Finally, the god pushed away, bringing himself to a stand. 

“I- I’m sorry, I...” He searched for the right words. “I don’t know what just happened, I...”

“It seemed to me like... A panic attack. But it’s okay, you’re okay now.” Bruce explained calmly. Loki shook his head. He did not have panic attacks. He was not weak- he was a god. A god. And as if having read his mind, Dr. Banner continued: “It doesn’t mean anything. It can happen to anyone. It doesn’t mean anything.” He repeated. 

“Stephen will be here soon, to... Explain some things,” Bruce continued. “I’ll see you later- you- you’re okay alone for a minute, right?”

“Yes... I...” The god hesitated as he phrased his next words. “Thank you.”

Bruce smiled softly before exiting. 

Loki still had to catch his breath. He didn’t quite know what had just happened to him, although, it was something he’d gone through before. He supposed he had just never given it a name... Not like he talked to anyone about them anyways. Alone, he couldn’t help but recall the things he had closed off when that witch went through his mind. Admittedly, she was very powerful. Still, he didn’t want to have to relive any of that. 

Luckily, he wasn’t alone for long. Dr. Strange entered after a few minutes, looking slightly dissatisfied. 

“Loki, I- I’m truly sorry for what happened. Stark, he had... I just didn’t realize. I apologize.”

The frost giant didn’t react. “What do you want now?”

“For you to have an explanation,” The doctor replied, taking a seat. “You deserve as much.”

Loki shrugged. 

“We- Stark and I, feel as if we cannot completely... trust you, yet.” As Strange continued, his voice became more certain. “Still, I realize that doesn’t warrant what just occurred. That being said, we need information. In order to try and predict you’re next move, understand where you are... Mentally.”

“But...” The god sneered, “why?”

“You’re still unstable,” Strange replied matter-of-factly. “And powerful. After Thanos... Tony has been very precarious about any future threats.”

“Where is he, then?” Loki’s voice rose. “He’s willing to probe me, but not speak to me directly!?”

“I’m sure that can be arranged.”

“See to it.”

“Hm.” Strange stood, inviting Loki to do the same. “You can go back to your room, now. Food will be given to you there.” He eyed the god up and down. “Eat it. Tomorrow we’ll discuss what was seen today. You’ve had enough today.”

Loki, not quite sure what to feel, watched the man leave the room he was now alone in. With nothing else to do, and with his magic nearly depleted from his- episode- he had nothing to do but comply, and headed out into the hall.

On his way back, he couldn’t help but hear the sound of children’s jeering from a room or two over.

“Get down, spider boy!!”

“Make me!”

“Argh!”

It was then that the god chose to indulge in other curiosities beside his room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you liked this chapter! It was a lot of fun to write. Let me know if there’s anythjng you’d really like to see/change, as I’m fairly open with where this story could go. (Of course, I do have plans for it).  
> Also, the ‘therapist’ being named Leah Broxton was a fun little Easter egg for any comic fans! In the comics, Hela’s “maid” who is very close with Loki, is called Leah. And the new Asgard is built in a town called Broxton!  
> Anyways...  
> Expect more fluff coming soon ;-)  
> And thanks for reading.


	3. Spider Boy, Science Girl, and a 100 Year Old Man

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Loki is invited to Bucky’s room by Peter and Shuri, where he learns a bit about the teens and realizes he has a lot to learn about the reserved one-armed man he’s just met.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone!!  
> So this chapter is a bit of a filler, and to be honest I’m not really thatttt happy with it... But it sets up some things for future chapters and I’ve already started working on Chapter Four!   
> As always, thanks for reading, and comments are very much appreciated!!:-)  
> Thanks,  
> -Ella

Loki had followed the sounds into a small gymnasium just off the main room. Inside, two children ran around- one of them, it seemed, up and down the walls. 

“Ha!” The wall-crawler yelled down at his female counterpart. “Maybe if you were smart enough you could make your own sticky boots!”

“I’m working on them! Maybe if you weren’t always distracting me I’d be able to-“ suddenly, the girl locked eyes with Loki in the doorway. She stopped. 

“Ah, I- I apologize,” Loki started awkwardly. “I didn’t mean to intrude, I was just-“

“No, no!” The boy flung himself down onto the floor. “You’re all good! You’re... Loki? Right?”

Taken aback, the god nodded. Who was this child? How did he know him?

“Woah,” both of the kids breathed. 

“I’m Shuri!” Said the girl, stepping forward. 

“Peter!” Followed the boy. 

“It’s, uh, a pleasure to meet you, how-“

“Can you really do magic?” 

“Are you better at it than Dr. Strange?”

“Can you fly?”

“Can you turn blue?”

“Can you control snakes?”

The children’s questions came so fast and so jumbled that the god could hardly tell who had said what. They continued towards him, asking things that nobody had ever bothered to ask before. Loki stumbled backwards a bit. 

Immediately, he wanted to snap back at them. Ask them who they thought they were. But- somehow- the children brought out a certain joy inside of the frost giant. He took a deep breath, and stated, as calmly as he could,

“How do you know me?”

Both children stopped suddenly. 

“Oh my gosh, I’m so sorry Lo- Erm, Mr. Loki.” The boy, (Peter, Loki supposed), began. “We’ve read all about you! Ever since we found out Thor has a brother.”

“Yeah!” The girl spoke up. (Shuri, Loki reminded himself). “But... He doesn’t do magic, does he?”

Again, the question left Loki a bit shaken up. It was usual for him to be compared to his brother, but, not in this way. The god, almost subconsciously, began to demean himself. 

“Well, no, he doesn’t, but he can-“

“Do lightning. We know,” Shuri interrupted. Loki noticed her thick accent. “There’s plenty of books on Thor. Not many on you, though.” She looked at the god quizzically before shrugging. ”Anyways, I don’t mean to bombard you with questions. We were just about to go see what James is up to, want to come?”

Peter nodded along in excitement. “He looks like Jesus,” he half whispered to Loki, half whispered to himself. The god ignored it. 

“Come...?” Loki narrowed his eyes. What were the intentions of these small people? “And do what?”

“I dunno,” Peter shrugged. “He likes chess. And helping me with my science projects for school. Well, more watch than help. He’s really cool. But so are you. It’s just... It’s like, I’m a huge fan. Of you. Mr. Stark won’t tell me anything so I had to borrow old mythology books from MJ. I don’t know what I said that, you don’t even know MJ. Erm.-” The boy spoke quickly, fumbling his hands.

“He means to ask if you’re coming or not,” Shuri said, smiling. 

“I’m apologize, child, but,” Loki began, somewhat surprised that anyone would want to ‘hang out’ with him at all. “I’m to eat in my room. Perhaps I’ll see you at a later date.”

“Well, I could...” Peter began shyly. “I could... Cover for you. I’m sure FRIDAY would just have the food brought to you anyways, it’s not like anyone would know, and-“

Loki put his hand up, gesturing for the child to stop. The god eyed both of them suspiciously, thinking. Perhaps they had been sent by Stark or Strange to pry more information out of him. And yet, as much as he didn’t want to trust the two, he couldn’t help but to put any notions of alternative motives aside. And, besides, he was a trickster. It had been a while since he had been given an opportunity to break the rules, and... Anything had to be better than staying holed up in that room. Loki shrugged. 

“I supposed that would be alright.”

“Oh my gosh. So cool,” the boy whispered. He and Shuri high-fived as Loki turned away and out the door. 

It didn’t take long to get wherever the children were taking Loki, and once in front of the opening to the small room, Peter asked some spirit called “FRIDAY” to announce their arrival.

“He gets scared sometimes if we sneak up on him,” Shuri explained. 

Suddenly, in the doorway stood a man, long and dark hair covering bits of his face. His left shoulder, which was all there was considering his left arm, was covered in a metal casing. Other than that, he dressed fairly modestly, and his outfit reminded Loki of what Thor wore when he came to Earth. 

“Hey, kids,” the man spoke softly. “I didn’t think you’d stop by today...” He eyed Loki, who stood a few inches taller than him. “Who’s this?” 

Peter grinned. “Loki! He’s here... visiting. I guess. No ones really tells me anything.”

“I- I know of him,” the man spoke cautiously. “He’s with you guys?.” 

The children nodded.

“Uh... Come in, then, I guess.” He ducked out of the way and left entrance to the room. 

Bucky seemed a bit odd, Loki noticed. There was something about him- although he seemed fairly strong and muscular, something about the way he spoke made him feel small. Or, at least, gave way to the idea that he wanted to feel that way. To keep from being rude, Loki shyed away from asking about the arm.

Peter and Shuri sat themselves down at a small table in the corner of the room, and they pulled a binder off of a shelf and started talking about something Loki didn’t understand. As he did, Bucky leaned back on the countertop. 

“So, what’s your deal?”

“I- um,” Loki started shakily, still unsure of the intentions of his visit. “I am Loki, of Asgard. God of Mischief,” he recited the same title he had for years.

The man scoffed. “Another God, huh?” He turned to grab a beer out of the fridge. “You want one?”

Loki bit the inside of his lip. That mortal stuff didn’t do much for him, and yet... A drink did sound good. He nodded. 

“Thank you.”

“Yeah, no problem.” The man drank cautiously, as if he didn’t want Loki to see through whatever masquerade he had put up. But the god knew enough about walls to see through any. 

Still, Bucky seemed shaky, and Loki was not one to intrude- or, at least, not now. Perhaps later. Instead, he turned back to the children. They suggested ordering food- Bucky wasn’t opposed. As they all ate, Loki watched on, sipping his drink. It didn’t do much for him beside cause a certain tightness in his chest- the longing for something stronger. Something more. He tried to ignore it. The children, dismissing any awkwardness, started small talk with the god.

In between mouthfuls, Peter and Shuri shared details of their life with Loki, who was surprised that, besides wondering about magic, the teens didn’t care to know much about his past. It made him think that, just maybe, they weren’t sent by anyone at all. 

To the children’s slight disappointment, Loki had to admit to them that his magic wasn’t as strong as it usually was. It felt nice, speaking about himself without judgement. He supposed it had something to do with the fact that those he was speaking to where young. The man stayed quiet a lot of time, although he did seem interested in Loki’s magic. The most he could show the group was a small flame produced by snapping his fingers. Bucky questioned the science behind it, and when Loki explained it came from the allfathers, he seemed irritated. 

“So... If you’re a god, and there’s no particular science to your... Thing, you’re doing... Do you live forever? Do you not have to eat or anything?” He asked.

“Well... No.” Loki replied. He had explained this all countless times before. “The expectancy of my kind is near 5,000 years. Not near forever.” 

“Like a dog!” Peter spoke up. “...Only, opposite.”

Loki had no idea what a ‘dog’ was. He eyed the boy quizzically. Shuri giggled.

“Oh, um,” Peter began to explain. “Dogs are great! I’m not allowed to have one at my apartment, but, it’s like, an animal. They’re super nice, and...”

Bucky smiled softly, interrupting. “I had a dog.”

He looked wistfully forward for a moment, through the group, before shaking himself back into the present. 

“But, like I said. Are you not hungry?”

Loki bit the inside of his cheek. It wasn’t that he wasn’t hungry, or even that he didn’t want to eat, but something about doing the act in front of other people. In front of... Strangers. In a way, he assumed it made him seem more vulnerable. More... Human. He couldn’t quite explain it, but he didn’t like it. He didn’t like the idea of anyone seeing him as anything less than a god. 

Of course, he didn’t express any of this to anyone. He only shrugged. “I’m alright.”

And the conversations continued.

Both Shuri and Peter were very excited to tell the god all about their own abilities- although, the boy had to be careful to make sure that Loki wouldn’t tell anyone. The girl, who Loki learned had no natural abilities, worked to create powers through some sort of plant.

“You know, we’re kinda the same,” Shuri commented, stuffing food into her mouth. 

“Oh?” Loki replied. 

“Yeah! My older brother is the king, too. But I like not being the one in charge. It gives me more time to do stuff I like.”

Loki pondered the girl’s answer for a moment. 

“That’s... True. Although, now, Asgard has no ruler, I suppose. We’re... Rebuilding.” He didn’t think about Thanos. Just about Asgard. 

“Same with Wakanda!! That’s why I’m here. T’Challas letting me stay with Stephen and Tony while the forcefield gets redone.” Shuri shrugged. “Not like I didn’t already make a bunch of tech for them.”

Loki smiled. This girl was smart- he could tell. Smarter than him, he was sure. And yet, he didn’t mind. He didn’t feel small in comparison. It was somewhat odd. 

“And, you?” The god asked, gesturing to Peter. 

“Oh, yeah,” the boy began. “I’m just visiting for today. My aunt doesn’t really like me staying overnight, since, uh...” he paused suddenly, as if he didn’t mean to say what he just had. He bit his lip. “Well, it’s- it’s nothing. I just don’t really like to talk about.”

Bucky looked pained for a moment. “It’s okay, kid,” he said, although it looked as if he didn’t want to. 

Loki smiled warmly, and for the first time in his “visit” here, it didn’t feel forced. 

“That’s alright, I... quite understand.”

They all smiled. 

Obviously eager to change the subject, Shuri butted in. “So, um, Loki? Are there any cool Asgardian foods you could show us sometime?”

“Or drinks!?” Peter commented ecstatically. “Don’t you guys have crazy parties there?”

Loki chuckled softly. “Yes, I... I suppose we did.” The early memories of his home still lit a fire in his heart, despite his past there. “I’m afraid there’s not much to tell. I only became eligible to drink a hundred years ago or so, anyways-“

“Wait. You just told us you were thousands of years old!” Shuri questioned.

“One thousand and seven.”

“Oh, erm, how much is that in human years?” Peter asked. 

“I believe... Seventeen? Perhaps Eighteen?” 

The children seemed flabbergasted.

“You’re just... Just a kid?” Bucky asked.

The god nearly blushed, putting his eyes up. The remark didn’t make him feel awful, which he appreciated. “No... It’s different. I understand that for you, that age is young. I am already an adult on Asgard. I have much longer to live, although I have already lived for quite long.” He explained. 

Bucky stared at him. “Is a year for you a day for us?”

Loki smiled again. “No, a year feels like a year. I remember everything, so-“

“Everything?” Bucky asked.

The children got quiet. 

“Well... Yes. Time goes by just the same, and-“

“I’m sorry.”

Loki was awestruck for a moment. He didn’t know what to say. 

I’m sorry. 

The god replayed the words in his head. 

I’m sorry. 

The man looked at him in an almost mournful way. He hated it. Or, at least, he wanted to hate it. Something deep inside of him allowed him to stand in the embrace of another’s sympathy for a moment. 

Still, wanting to escape the situation, Loki checked the clock in the corner. He had taught himself to read Earth time a few years ago, when Thor was there. It was nearly 5pm. 

“Oh, I’m sorry, but,” Loki stammered, gathering himself to exit. “I must be getting back to my room. It was... It was nice meeting you all.” 

The three at the table all waved goodbye at him, expressing their gratitude for his visit and telling the god of their interest in a future get together. 

Just as the god was leaving, the boy spoke up from behind him. 

“Hey... uh, Mr. Loki!? Maybe I could give you a proper tour tomorrow?”

The god turned, nodding. “Yes... Maybe.” 

He left with a strange, warm feeling in his stomach he couldn’t place.

Nonetheless, that didn’t stop him from smiling all the way back to his room. 

And besides, Loki figured, we’ll have to get together again. I never explained whether or not I can control snakes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so, please let me know what you think! And sorry it’s not as much fluff as promised last time. I’m trying to have Loki slowly open up... I feel like he’d be a pretty tough egg to crack.   
> Thanks for reading, and hopefully the next chapter will be up fairly soon.


	4. Back in the Office

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After an odd breakfast with the team, Loki is taken back to the office from yesterday for some follow up anylysis.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey!!   
> So this chapter was a lot of fun to write. I wish I could have done more with the beginning, but honestly, that scene was used to set up future chapters more than anything else.   
> So, I hope you enjoy and please let me know what you think.:-)  
> Thanks for reading,   
> Ella

Loki still hadn’t been reprimanded for his visit with the children the next morning. He had stayed up all night in his room with very little to do, and so, had simply sat, anticipating the arrival of an angry Dr. Strange. But no such thing occurred.

Instead, he just sat. It wasn’t odd, being alone, but after his time with his newfound... Acquaintances- Loki decided- he felt as if there was something to miss. That, and the tightness in his chest. Towards the middle of the night, the god did try to sleep, but his chest and his head felt awful. As if someone was squeezing them both, torturing him. 

It was like that most nights. 

So, he stayed up. 

Thor did visit. But it was brief, nothing to talk about. In an effort to protect himself, he saved the details of his stay, kept everything short and meaningless. The past few months especially, a lot had felt like that. Passive. He told Loki that he was proud of him for coming, as if he had ever really had a choice. Loki despised it- everyone speaking to him as if could break at any minute.

“You’re unstable.” He recalled Strange telling him. He was fine. If he wasn’t hurting anyone but himself, who cared? 

By the time the light shined in through his window the next morning, the circles under his eyes had deepened and darkened, his hair had become curlier and frizzier, and his eyes a deeper brown. He knew he had to sleep and eat eventually. It was just... Hard. It was just hard. 

Some woman came in with clothing for him soon after the sun rose. FRIDAY told him he was to be seen in Leah’s office after breakfast. The thought of his time there yesterday made Loki’s stomach feel like static. Still, he dressed and decided he would wait until whenever that spirit said the team was done with breakfast. 

“Thank you, let me know when to go out, please.” He spoke upwards at the entity. 

“You’ve been asked to join the others in the kitchen, sir,” she said back. 

The god clenched his jaw. Join the others? 

“Thank you, but I’ll-“

“Bruce says he’d like you out, sir.”

“Why would-“

“Five minutes.”

Loki plopped himself down onto the bed. They wanted him to eat with them- it seemed odd. He was convinced it was a trap to get information or... Something. But, with no means to misbehave, the god dressed and headed out into the kitchen. Today, he had been given slacks and and another button up shirt to tuck in. Again, it was long sleeved- he thanked the allfathers for that. 

There were a few familiar faces around the table outside, and more than a few unfamiliar ones. Loki stood awkwardly by the counter as the people sat and talked. Suddenly, Bruce looked up and the two locked eyes. 

“Loki!” He said smiling, standing up. The god nodded, forcing a smile. “Glad you decided to come out! I thought it’d be good for you to meet everyone.”

Loki recognized Shuri and Dr. Strange around the table, as well as that girl from yesterday. She avoided eye contact, and just the sight of her caused a pit in the god’s stomach. Bruce, noticing this, continued:

“Hey, it’s okay,” he nearly whispered, standing by Loki now. “We... Um, want to talk to you about that after breakfast. But, c’mon, eat something. This is Loki, guys!” He clapped, turning to everyone. 

The god said nothing. He didn’t want to be here- it was foolish. Still, he sat himself down next to Bruce and some man he hadn’t met yet. 

“We’re having eggs... Do you... You know what eggs are, right?” Bruce asked. 

“Yes,” The god shot back. 

He sat back, smoothing his shirt. “I apologize,” he continued calmly, knowing that Bruce was someone he didn’t care to offend. “Yes.”

Bruce didn’t seem to care, and served Loki. After a while, everyone was chewing and chatting, and Loki sat in silence, unacknowledged. It reminded him somewhat of his meals on Asgard, with Odin and Friga and Thor. The thought of all of them sent a sudden pang in his chest- of course, they were not his true family. But he missed them all nonetheless. 

“So, Loki, will you be eating at all this morning?” Strange suddenly asked. In the crowded table, the question remained private. 

“I’m not hungry,” Loki lied. “Thank you, though.” He sipped his orange juice. 

“Hmm. You should eat, Lokes,” Bruce interjected. “Thor’ll kill us if we give you back all skinny.”

The god clenched his teeth. They spoke as if his older brother owned him. “I’m fine.” Wanting to change the subject, he continued. “Will Mr. Stark be joining us today? Or... That man, Bucky?” 

He looked around the table again. Some unfamiliar faces dotted it, including a woman with short blond hair, a woman with buzzed white hair, and what Loki could only describe as a blue person. Being an alien himself, the sight wasn’t too jarring. But he expected the others to be at least somewhat perceptive of it. Still, no Tony or James.

“He’s in our room,” Strange replied. 

“He’s allowed to sleep in, then, and not-“

“Unimportant.” The Doctor spike harshly, cashing Loki to do a double take. “He... He’s unwell at the moment. And with that I’ve already said too much.”

The god said nothing more. He understood.

“Well,” Strange said, “If you’re not eating, let’s get to our meeting, then,” he suggested, pushing out his chair. “Bruce?”

Bruce stood as well, and gestured for Loki to do the same. Shuri waved goodbye to all of them. And just like that, breakfast came to a sudden end. Out of the corner of his eye, Loki saw that girl from yesterday getting up as well. 

The group walked uneasily to Leah’s office, which held no Leah for the time being. Strange wasted no time.

“Loki, we need to address some things, I’m sure you’re well aware.”

The god sneered. “Could you be referring to that witch girl outside?”

Dr. Strange looked down. “No, Loki. Not about her. About what she saw.”

In truth, the god didn’t see himself getting out of this. Still, it stung. He knew the man ahead of him was more powerful with Loki in his current state. And he knew Thor would be disappointed if he were to misbehave too much. So, he tried to oblige. On his own terms, of course. 

“I want Bruce gone,” he said quietly. He didn’t need to see him like this. 

“Loki, I’m here to-“

“Gone.”

Dr. Banner didn’t say another word as he exited. 

“And I won’t speak to that Leah woman again.”

“Of course,” Dr. Strange replied. “May we begin, then?”

The god nodded sheepishly. “What, then?”

“Loki, we need to make sure you’re... Stable.” The god cringed at the word. “That means relatively healthy. And we know your time on Contraxia wasn’t like that.”

“It’s my own business,” The god replied. “Why does it matter to any of you?”

The doctor spoke as if he had chosen his words carefully. “What you do effects others, no matter what. Some people care for you, Loki.”

The god didn’t know what to say. He felt a lump forming in his throat. “What do you want to know?” He asked, feeling, strangely, more exhausted than defeated. Tired of holding everything in, tired of himself. 

“Thank you,” the Doctor said. “I’d like to get this over with as much as you would.” He turned to the computer at his side before continuing. “For how long have you been susceptible to self destructive tendencies?”

“Self de-?”

“Not eating. Not sleeping. Doing...” He glanced at Loki’s left arm, and instinctively, the god yanked at the sleeve. He felt tears welling behind his eyes- nobody was supposed to know about that. 

“I... I don’t know... I- Why would I tell you? You’re no one I’m close to, I-“

“That’s the point. It’s hard to be honest with people you’re close to sometimes, I know.” Loki noticed a slight tremor in the doctors hands as he spoke. 

An eye for an eye, the god thought. 

“Your hands?”

“Hmm?”

“Your hands. What happened to them?”

“I- I don’t-“

“You expect me to share, and yet you won’t?”

“I was in an accident. It was a long time ago.”

“So you weren’t always a sanction leader?”

“No, I... I was a surgeon. One of the best.” Strange looked as if he was recalling a missed memory.

“I’m sorry,” The god commented. “It must have been difficult... Losing your practice.”

The doctor blinked himself back into the present. “It was. I- I turned into somewhat of a dick. I lost a lot... But... it made me realize that bottling things up doesn’t work. And I know I asked you a fairly loaded question so-“

And eye for an eye. 

“I’d rather drink,” The god interrupted. It felt somewhat rewarding, sharing what he did. “At least I feel... Something. That way. And it takes away my appetite.”

“Feel something?”

All of the sudden, he went back to feeling weak. Feeling nothing is better than feeling bad, he reminded himself. Feeling nothing made him strong. Powerful. And yet- he chased it away with the bottom of a bottle. 

Before he could answer, a girl barged into the room. The girl from yesterday. She had tears streaming down her face. 

“Wanda, we’re-“ Strange began. 

“Shut up,” she snapped. The god was still too scared to say anything. “Loki- I- I’m sorry. I’m sorry.” Her voice broke as she spoke. 

The god still stayed quiet, not knowing what to say. His heart raced in his chest.

“I’m sorry. My brother... I thought- I thought you were bad, I was told you were bad, I should’ve never...”

Loki stood. “Your brother?”

“He died.” The girl spoke quickly, her words mumbled as if she wasn’t thinking at all. “When we went back, to destroy the stones, I... We got to see him again... He- They told me you were bad... Mr. S- I don’t know. I’m sorry.”

Quite suddenly, she fell into the god, her head in his chest. “I’m sorry.”

Not knowing what to do, Loki placed his hand on her head. As he did, emotions streamed through her and into him, her power overtaking her in her emotional state. 

Suddenly, Loki didn’t feel so much anger towards the girl. 

Still, he stepped back.

“I... Forgive you.” He nodded. 

She smiled. “Thank you,” she whispered. “I’ve got to go, I’m not supposed to be here, Mr. Stark says- just... I got to go. Thanks.” And with that, she left. 

The god stared forward. He didn’t really know what to say, although he felt an add sensation in his chest. Evidently, neither did Stephen. 

“I, um, I-“ He stammered. “I apologize, she shouldn’t have-“

“Her brother died?” Loki asked quietly. He felt something bubbling up inside of him. “What was his name?”

“I- Pietro, but... I don’t see how-“

“Pietro,” Loki nearly whispered. He felt that thing inside of him again- something he couldn’t put his finger on. It almost felt as if he might pop. 

“Loki, sit, please, and we can-“

“Pietro.” He said a bit louder. “How’d he die?”

“He had been shot, earlier, in a battle, but... We got him back when we traveled with Scott. He died... Fighting. Thanos. But, Loki-“

“I should have been there.” He spoke with a certain remorse in his voice. “I should have been fighting.”

“Loki, it was one person. One, it-“

“He was her brother,” he thought about Thor. Thought about what he would do, how he would react if anything ever happened to him. 

“Loki, sit, please-“

The god’s head shot up. It was all too much. 

He should have been there. 

He didn’t fight, and people died. 

He should have been there. 

It felt as if he was going to explode. 

“You want to know about Contraxia, huh!?” He nearly screamed in the doctor’s face. 

It was all too much. 

“I’m a... I’m a coward! No one did anything to me on that planet, I did it all to myself. That’s the worst part, you know? Knowing there’s no one else to blame, knowing... Knowing it’s ALL you. I couldn’t sleep because I’d wake up screaming! I’m too scared to even sleep, I... I’m not...”

The god looked at his hands. He was shaking. 

“I’m barely a good Asgardian-” He continued, Strange trying to stop him with mumbled words he couldn’t be bothered to listen to. “I can’t fight, I can’t lead... I’m a runt, you know that!? I’m a monster, and... I can’t even do that right.” 

Loki felt hot tears streaming down his face. His left hand had started to turn- a soft blue tint covered it now. 

“And I... I know, deep down, I know some people care. I know mother did, I know Thor does... I...” He fell backwards, landing on the couch. His words became quieter, his voice less commanding and more scared. “I just don’t know. I don’t know. That monster... That thing, I... I just wanted to die. I fell off, I just wanted it to end, I... I can’t keep going like this.”

Stephen sat beside him, placing his hand on his shoulder. For the first time, Loki didn’t flinch at the touch. 

“You don’t have to,” be said warmly, whispering. “I’m here. We’re here.” 

The god sniffled. For whatever odd reason, he didn’t feel awful. He didn’t feel cowardly. Again, he just felt tired. 

“We...?”

“Me. Bruce. Thor. We care, we’re here.”

Loki blinked, hard, letting the last bit of tears flow down his face. 

“Let’s start by getting you some rest, huh? Before lunch. I’ll put a hex on you that’ll stop any nightmares.”

Loki nodded. He didn’t have anything more to say. 

“Okay, c’mon, let’s get you back to bed then.”

Loki stood.

Every action seemed like a conscious one, every step something he had to think about, as if he was living in some warped sort of dream state.

“There you go.”

Slowly, he walked with Strange to his room, where the glass opened up and he lay himself down onto his bed. The doctor waved his fingers, putting some sort of a spell of the god. Loki closed his eyes for what felt like the first time in forever. In a way- it was. 

And then, he slept. He really slept, and he didn’t dream, but, he lavished in the darkness. And finally, it was peaceful.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so don’t worry, Tony will be coming very very soon haha. Also, I’ll try and take a break from the angst for a chapter and add some fluff.   
> Thanks again for reading and please let me know what you think!


	5. Shadows in the Kitchen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Loki finally meets the person he’s been asking about.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone!!  
> I’m really sorry that the time between updates has increased so much since the last few chapters. I’m truth, this chapter was somewhat difficult to write, and with school and sports season approaching, I’ve had a lot more to keep me busy.  
> That being said, I hope you guys enjoy!:-)  
> Thanks for reading!!  
> -Ella

For the rest of the day, save for a self-driving cart that brought the god a meal, (which he reluctantly ate, not wanting to disappoint anybody), nobody disturbed Loki. When he first woke up, his sleep had been so deep and so calming that he nearly forgot what had happened. 

But it all came back to him soon enough.

For a long time, Loki just sat, grateful for his sleep, but, not knowing what to think about the events that took place in order for him to get it. In a way, he hated how good it felt, how good he felt, after having talked to Stephen. The god couldn’t remember a time in the past that he had slipped up so badly or fallen so far from grace. Perhaps it was because he was still recovering from his sleep, or perhaps it was from something else, but, Loki still felt numb. As if he was stuck in a glass bowl, the urgencies of the world around him visible but ineffective, his brain and body exhausted from his episode that morning. He knew he’d have to control himself to make sure the glass didn’t crack every again. 

No matter how oddly healthy it might have felt to allow himself to break down, he couldn’t see himself doing it again. Or at least, not in the company of others. No matter how reassuring they may be.

Loki still wasn’t sure if he could truly trust the doctor yet. He curled his hands into fists, his nails digging into the flesh of his palms

Deep breaths, he reminded himself.

Still, the reality of his situation seemed to be settling in. He couldn’t believe himself. He couldn't believe he would do that, allow himself to crack like that, allow himself to let anybody even scratch the surface of what was going on inside his head, he-

Deep breaths.

He didn’t want the glass to crack. 

In all honesty, the god didn’t really know what to think. A part of him wanted to talk more, wanted to get better, wanted help- the other part of him hated himself for trying. Loki was sure that Stephen wanted to help, but, still- That girl. Her brother. Her powers… Going into Loki’s mind like that. He still didn’t understand why it was so necessary. He reminded himself not to trust anybody just yet. And not to have anymore episodes.

Deep breaths.

Needing something to distract himself with, the god took a slow stand, pushing the tray of partly eaten food out of his way as he headed to the mirror. As he did so, he noticed a small folded sheet of paper on the second rack. He reached down and opened it. 

Loki, it read, in a sprawled handwriting,

I’m very proud of you for opening up to me this morning. I’m sure you won’t awake until late tonight, so, when you do, come find me so that I can re-register the charm and get your sleeping schedule back on track. I’ll have FRIDAY let me know when you do get up- She’ll tell you where to find me. 

We’ll have to get you on a new schedule for therapy and food counseling. I might have you see Peter’s doctor. 

-Stephen

As he set down the note, FRIDAY spoke up; “Stephens waiting for you in the living room, Loki. I’ve already told him you’re up.”

The god clenched his jaw, looking around. The thought of that spirit alerting Strange of when he awoke- it reminded him that he was still just a prisoner.

He set out to find the doctor, as instructed, figuring he could do at least that. As Loki walked through the mirror and out of his room, he caught a glimpse of himself- he was looking a bit better, the bags under his eyes a tad brighter and his eyes themselves finally back to their bluish green. That being established, he knew he had a long way to go.

As Loki made his way to the end of the hall toward the main room, he couldn’t help but notice shadows in the kitchen to his left. The god balled his fists at his side, swiveling toward the movement. The security of knowing that Strange was just a room over did nothing for Loki- nobody should be up, he thought to himself. He had to know- was it that girl again? Was luring him out here to meet Stephen just another trick?

He crept into the kitchen, halting his breath.

And, instead of anybody striking, it was just a man. Tony stood with his back to Loki, slouched over in sweatpants and a black hoodie, seemingly making what the god knew to be a sandwich.

So, here he was. The mystery man that Loki has yet to see anywhere in his own tower. The one light on in the kitchen played off of his small figure, shadows dancing long and thin at his every moment. It was completely silent.

“Stark?” Loki asked, keeping his voice calm in an attempt not to startle the man in front of him. Still, Tony spun around, his eyes wide at the unfamiliar voice and breathing hitched.

“Oh,” he began, blinking hard. “It’s just you- I…” His brain seemed to be working in slow motion as his facial expression changed from that of relief to anger as he stared at the god. “Why the fuck are you…” He stood a bit taller, although Loki still towered over him. “What are you doing in here!?”

Loki noticed the dark bags under Stark’s eyes, his greasy hair, his patchy beard, his quivering hands that held a knife slathered in peanut butter, and realized that perhaps he wasn’t the only person who hadn’t seen Tony in a while.

“What am I doing here?” The god scoffed, gathering himself. He didn’t need to falter in front of somebody yet again. “You imprisoned me, and now you ask-“

“No, dipshit,” the man interrupted, his voice raising. “I mean what are you doing here. In the kitchen, at- at 2am!?”

“I’m to meet Strange, I took a detour,” Loki shrugged. 

“You do what we tell you… No detours,” Stark growled back. 

Again, the god rose his shoulders. “You’re one to talk,” he began, ignoring Tony’s increasing anger. “Hiding away for days, just to crawl out at night and make yourself a pb&j?” He taunted. It had been a while- and it felt good.

“FRIDAY, get Stephen in here,” Tony commanded a wet anger lining his words. Loki rolled his eyes. 

“I only want to talk.”

The billionaire didn’t get to reply, as only a moment passed before Strange appeared beside him across from Loki. The god shuffled backwards, surprised by the sudden entrance. 

“I haven’t done anything wrong!” He stated quickly, knowing how much more powerful Strange was than him in his current state. But, instead of even paying Loki any mind, the doctor turned to Tony. 

“You’re out,” he said quietly, placing a hand on Tony, who flinched, pulling away. 

“Jesus fuck, can I make myself a sandwich without everyone… Without everyone hovering?” He clenched his jaw, looking up at Stephen. “I’m a grown man, I can make myself a fucking sandwich.”

“If course, I didn’t mean it like-“

“I know,” Tony breathed, unclenching his fists. “I know what you meant, but, fuck can’t I- Wait.” He turned back toward Loki. “We’re not talking about me. What the fuck is he doing here?”

“Loki,” Strange began, his tone commanding and direct, “I know you were told to see me in the living room.”

“I got lost,” The god replied without skipping a beat. Stephen rolled his eyes. 

“I’m sure.”

Tony said nothing, his eyes to the floor, and Strange continued:

“Go to the living room- no detours- and I’ll be there in a moment, understood?”

Loki nodded, and without anything to say, slipped out of the kitchen and back into the hall. Of course, he didn’t go to the living room right away. He figured it couldn’t hurt to hang around for a minute or two- and besides, with Strange distracted by Tony, he wouldn’t be able to detect the god’s lingering presence.

So, Loki pushed his ear against the wall. 

Stephen was speaking delicately, his voice hushed. “Are you okay? I’m sorry about that, Tony.”

“I’m fine,” Stark snapped back. Loki wondered if he was shaking again. “I was just hungry, can I be fucking hungry?”

“That’s it, right? Just… Hungry?”

“So that’s why you think I’m out here. God forbid I try and get better, you just think it’s because I want a-“

“No, no, I trust you,” Strange interrupted, nearly whispering. “I- I’m just making sure. I love you, you know that? I’m proud of you.”

“I just wanted to make a sandwich.” Loki noticed that Tony completely disregarded Stephen’s sentiment. “And you think I’m getting a drink. I’m fucking… I’m fucking pathetic. I’m sorry,” he breathed.

The thought of a drink caused Loki to clench his teeth. It had been two long- and any mortal stuff on earth didn’t do anything for him. 

“Hey, hey, Tony. Look at me! You went through a lot. You’re not pathetic, okay? You’re strong. You’re the strongest person I know.”

“You know Loki’s fucking around with Peter!?” Loki heard Stark continue, still ignoring Stephen. “FRIDAY told me. I don’t want him around him. We can’t trust him.”

Loki looked down. He reminded himself that he was still the villain. That for Tony, he was nothing but the guy who attacked New York and didn’t fight Thanos. 

“You know about New York. He’s… Healing, Tony. He’s traumatized.”

The god dug his nails into his flesh. He didn’t need anybody to help him heal. He didn’t need anybody to save him.

“Fuck that!” Stark replied, his voice raising through the wall. “Not an excuse. I watched- I watched you die, and I fucking fought, I-“

“And now you’re healing, too,” Stephen said calmly. He was always calm. “Do you want to… Would you want to talk to him? Maybe it would help, and it would get you out, I-“

“Ha! Fuck no. Fuck him,” Tony started loudly before quieting. “I don’t want to see anybody, yet. Fuck! How am I gonna see people again? I’ve been holed up forever, they’ll think… I don’t know. Fuck.”

Loki could hear the billionaire’s voice quiver as he spoke. 

He didn’t want to see anybody. 

He didn’t want anybody to see him as he was- weak. 

But he isn’t weak, Loki thought. He’s healing. 

The god realized the two, perhaps, had a bit in common. 

No. He continued. I’m weak. I’m not healing, I’m just-

“Let’s get you back to bed, okay? You can sleep in one of the guest rooms, I’ll wash your sheets,” Strange spoke from the other side of the wall, and Loki realized he had missed a significant portion of the conversation while lost in his thoughts. 

Tony said nothing, and Loki listened as the two men from kitchen shuffled away. Quickly, the god gathered himself and made his way to the living room, the thought of Tony, and his state, still in his mind. Loki just couldn’t shake it. 

He’s not weak. 

And yet, we’re the same.

He’s not weak.

The god felt a wetness lining his hands- blood crept out of the holes he had made in his palms with his fingernails. 

Deep breaths, he thought, sitting himself down in the living room. 

He didn’t want the glass to crack.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, let me know what y’all think! Hopefully the next chapter will be up soon-ish... I’m sure within the week.  
> I know Loki’s going backwards a bit from opening up last chapter, but, it’s Loki- ofc he’s not going to reveal everything after two appointments.  
> As always, comments are very much appreciated!!:-)


	6. Shattered

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Loki, while waiting for Strange in the darkness of the empty living room, gets caught up in his thoughts and fears yet again.  
> \---  
> WARNING: Self harm heavily mentioned/nearly acted out. Mentions of sucuidal thoughts and depression.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, I have to start by saying I am SO SO sorry that it's been so long since I last updated. I'm going to stop making promises about the schedule, although I am going to try very hard to update at at least a regular pace and as often as I can. These past weeks I've had three XC meets and a bunch of homework. (Already, I know). But I really enjoy writing this fic and I know y'all enjoy it too, so I apologize.  
> Anyways...  
> This chapter is a bit on the short side. However, I've already started on the next one, and Loki is finally meeting some new people and getting a bit better in that. :.) That being said... This chapter is rough. But things have to get worse before they get better, right?

The dark leather sofa Loki sat on was soft, and the god sank down in it a little bit, this being to his utmost displeasure. That being said, the same type of couch was used as seating throughout the room, save for the tall red chesterfield across from him, which Loki had to assume belonged to Strange. 

Loki, despite having just slept, felt a burning redness behind his eyes as he sat in the dimly lit living room, his lids heavy as he awaited Stephen. The god’s hands shook— whether it was from exhaustion or anxiety, he didn’t know. Or, if he did, he wasn’t ready to admit it to himself just yet. Even after everything. 

So, he didn’t want to think about himself. But the thought of Tony Stark, strangely small in the murky light of the kitchen, his shadows long and looming and his eyes, scared of nothing there, sent the god right back, full circle, to his own being. He knew the billionaire had faced Thanos, had nearly died doing it-- he knew too well how many had died. But it had been nearly a year now, and, as far as the god could tell, Tony had been holed up in his room, depressed, anxious, alcohol eating away at it, since before even Loki arrived. Then again, he had kept himself on Contraxia, and…

_No_. The god dug his fingernails into the cuts in his hand again, causing him to wince. Dried blood caked the inside of them, reminding Loki that he had to groom himself soon. We’re not the same. He reminded himself. _He’s strong and in recovery and you’re_ \--

_No._ Loki, needing something to distract himself with, turned down towards his palm. It was paler than usual yet again, his blue veins more evident. He took his other hand and began to pick at the scabs forming over the cuts he had made in his hands. Because of his advanced healing, the blood was already dry and clotting over the wounds. Because the cuts weren’t deep, they would heal. Loki recalled a time on Contraxia when he had smashed a bottle in his hands, leaning over the counter, thinking about Thor and Brunhilde and Bruce and _everyone_. It took a few days for the cuts to go away. Longer than usual. He wasn’t sure if it was because of how malnutritioned he was, or if it was because the scars weren’t made by an enemy. 

_An enemy._ The god could recall a time, too, when the people in this Tower saw him as enemy. When Strange surely wouldn’t have thought twice before transporting him to hell or worse, when Bruce would have slammed him against the tile. Maybe they were right. 

_He was a villain._

_He would always be a villain._

_Purple beast or not._

_Tony was right, to want to lock him up, to want to--_

_No._ Loki corrected his ragged breath, and anxiously, he glanced at the clock. His leg jumped and his hands shook even more still. It had only been a few minutes, and still, his thoughts had gone full circle and the thought of Tony had reentered.

At least nobody knew what was wrong with Stark. Nobody besides who he cares about, that was. Nobody knew how weak he was. _Not weak._ The god reminded himself. That wasn’t Tony. That was him.

He picked quickly at his scabs, prying one out of his palm. Blood trickled down his cold skin, although, it didn’t snap him back into reality like he hoped it would. The god still sat inside his fishbowl. 

This time, he was trapped. 

The god felt his heartbeat picking up again. _How many people knew about Loki?_

About Thanos?

About Contraxia?

About Thor?

His heartbeat picked up.

How many people knew he had been practically imprisoned here? Knew he was too idiotic to take care of himself, too childlike, too stupid and weak and... How many people knew?

Knew that he had to see somebody, that he had broken down, that he needed a spell just to sleep because he couldn’t even do _that_ right!?

Loki’s leg was jumping even more now, his heart in his throat, his breath back to an irregular pattern.

Three times, he had stopped himself. Three times, he had said no.

He didn’t say no the fourth time, the time he should have.

The god wondered if the great Tony Stark had to see a therapist. If he was as _weak_ and _stupid_ as Loki, if he was as _cowardly_ , if he had to talk about his feeling or be bested by a child into showing them if everyone knew what was wrong with him _oh god_ nothing was even a secret anymore nothing was _his_ everyone knows how _weak_ he is how _weak and cowardly and anxious and stupid and even after everything Thor still doesn’t trust him no one trusted him no one cared no one--_

Loki stood, his heart beating nearly as fast as his mind raced, tears stinging his eyes. _He had been getting better._ Without really thinking, his legs moving without his minds permission, he paced back into the kitchen. Strange and Tony were nowhere to be found, probably cleaning Tony’s sheets or talking or something. _He had been getting better. It had been so long._ He had been in the kitchen a few times before. He knew where everything was kept. _He had been getting better._ Second cabinet from the left, third shelf from the bottom. Loki barely noticed his hand shaking as he reached for it. He couldn’t think. He couldn’t breath. He needed to feel something. Anything.

The glass was breaking.

_The cold blade pushed into his skin, and the god swiped it so that some red trickled down the side of his wrist. It was after the first time he has turned blue. After the first time he had turned into a monster. It was Loki’s left arm that went first. He was right handed, so it made it easy. That was the first time. It wouldn’t be the last time._

_The scars stayed, no matter how many healing elixirs he drank, no matter his advanced healing in the first place. He asked a mage, once, in another realm. She told him they wouldn’t go away, they were self inflicted, and so, they’d never really go away. So Loki switched potions with muddy water and drank anyways._

_That had all been so long ago. Back when he was on Asgard, just after Thanos had obstructed him the first time. He had been getting better. But old habits die hard._

“HEY!” A harsh yell sounded from behind Loki, and the sound of the knife clattering in the sink was nearly as loud. The god whipped around, his back hunched and his frame small and quaking. Bucky stood across from him, on the other side of the island.

Loki wanted to say something. But he couldn't move. The blade hadn’t broken through yet, but rather, only rested on older white lines. The god wasn’t sure if he was grateful or upset. He couldn’t think, either.

“What the fuck?!” Bucky mumbled frantically, moving across the counter to grab the God’s wrists, flinging his weak frame upwards to that he stood over the metal-armed-man. “Loki, what the fuck!?”

Loki could feel his spirit shrinking into himself. He could feel the coolness that lined his left palm, the ice in his breath, the red in his eyes. He couldn’t control it. He couldn’t control _anything_ So he just stared. 

“I’m-I’m s-sorry I-” He attempted, not bothering to pull from James’s grip. “I-”

“What were you _thinking_!?” Bucky pressed on, his strength seemingly unbeknownst to him as he shook the god’s thin, now nearly completely blue, arms in his hands. “Loki, what the _fuck_ were you--”

He stopped suddenly, catching Loki’s eyes. The god knew how red they were. He wanted to shy away, to hide himself. Fight or flight seemed to be the only thing he could focus on. He did nothing instead.

“Fuck. Loki, I’m sorry, I know I- I shouldn’t have-” Bucky’s bottom lip quivered. He threw the god into himself, wrapping his strong arms around his neck. “It’s okay now. You’re okay,” he managed, his voice shaky. Loki, although standing stiff, felt his heartbeat slow, and some warmth return to his arms as the tint melted away. 

When Bucky pulled away, the god’s eyes were an icy blue again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> !!!!!!  
>  So, please lmk what you think. I love comments more than anything in this whole wide world. Also, I really tried to handle the self-harm aspect of this chapter as well as possible, and I read some articles on how to write it. That being said, please tell me if you think I should change anything to make it more respectful and realistic, and if I handled anything crudely, I apologize and please tell me. Thanks.  
> Also-- Don't worry too much about our little greasy haired god. I mean, do worry, although you know he wouldn't want you to. I have to lighten it up at some point, because, let's be honest, three mental breakdowns in a week? Whew child!!  
> ALSO: do you guys read these on your phone or a computor? Just wondering.  
> lol anyways, thanks for reading. :-)  
> -Ella


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